Work Hectics. Social Politics. Love &Insecurities.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
It's a trip back in time, multiplied by 10 thousand. That's how hectic work is now, for the morning shift at least. Thank god I'm doing the night shift.
Look. I'm tired of all these mind games that you guys are playing against each other. I just can't be bothered to catch up and participate it them. I'll just stand here from now on, and sit in the bleachers, as a spectator, while you gladiators battle it out with your mind tricks. Eventually you guys will learn to grow out of it, and, with any luck, out of each other.
I've seen alot of movies, TV shows and real life accounts of people falling in and out of love. It really gets me thinking and wondering, when am I going to fall into one of these godsend social relationships? Many have asked me how many "ex-es" I've had so far, and whenever I say "None", this answer will always be followed by the same excuse;
I hate the committment and time you have to put into a relationship.
Now, to an experienced lover, this is obviously a stupid excuse. I'm not afraid of denying the fact that it's not a reason, because I say it just to get the spotlight off me. When I think back, It's really about my insecurities. I always have this perceived judgment in my head whenever I think about myself. It'll say that I look ugly, too this, too that, and then it'll make me very wary of myself. It'll plunge me into a world of paranoia and socio-phobia, where I keep thinking that everyone out there is looking at me.
That gets kind of ironic, apart from annoying, since I think that I'm ugly and not appealing to the palates of many, but then I think that they have their eyes glued to me.
I really don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared to try out an outfit, simply because I'm scared of waht the public might say or think about me. I'm afraid to meet new people, for i fear that they may not like what I am, and what I'm wearing. I'm scared to show others my true self, for the fear of being taken advantage of.
In short, I think, I am afraid of being judged.
Just ask any of my friends. Whenever some of them jokingly criticise my outfit or the things that I do, I would get defensive, and try to justify myself. I would argue for the slightest things. I just realised these things, really, from the tonnes of social gatherings that I've had since my A levels. I've just been keeping them in. I am socially inapt. Truly.
So, I'm sorry if I've offended anyone with my bitchy comments, (that's not me, that's Hunni), and I apologise if I've been very annoying of late. :D
And many would have been wondering if I'm suffering from split personality. The answer is a solid NO. Let me explain.
Haniffa: The geeky, quiet boy that surfaces when I'm in study mood, the one that gets the grades. The good boy that comes out when there is a need to respect a deserving elderly. The boy who greets his teachers when he sees them around. In other words, he's the goody two shoes who is suppressed by the cage called the school/home.
Hunni: The more outgoing person who loves taking risks on people. The one who isn't afraid to get his ass in trouble. The one who surfaces when he senses that someone is getting his/her guard up or trying to accuse me of doing something I didn't. The one who is excessively bitchy, and the one who kicks the asses. He isn't afraid of rules, and he isn't bounded by rules of an organisation or social heairarchy, but by an intangible cage, also known as MORAL GROUNDS.
These two personalities cannot coexist at the same time. They do however appear and disappear alternately, depending on the need of the situation. So remember,
Haniffa-> Passicve. Goody 2 shoes.
Hunni=> Active. Evil bitch skank.
Truly,
Hunni/ Haniffa
